Charming Omakes
by SugarcaneSoldier
Summary: A collection of omakes from my other work 'Third Time's the Charm.' Generally funny and a good time for everyone - even the characters.
1. Ashes to Ashes

**A/N 1: **Look up and listen to Markiplier's 'I don't wanna be free' from the 'A Heist with Markiplier' series on Youtube for the best experience.

-OxOxO-

She trembled in fear. This was horrible, and she wasn't sure that she had ever done something as terrifying as this.

"Honestly, why are you so nervous? This is your first time. For how long you've been an adventurer, that's positively wonderful. You should see some of the other people…"

The man in front of her nodded. "Ah, you aren't exactly thrilled at the idea of being anywhere near the other, more… frequent visitors, are you?"

She nodded quickly, and he rolled his eyes. "Honestly, they wouldn't do anything like that. All the real criminals get locked up in solitary confinement for as long as it takes them to reconsider their life choices and become an Adventurer or something low-level and easy, and all the real _nasty _criminals are either executed by the nobility or sent to the front lines. You have nothing to worry about."

She glared at him as her fear evaporated. "I know what _he's _like. Going anywhere near him is just asking to get hit on by literal dirt."

The man across from her opened his mouth, for a moment. Maybe he wanted to defend who she was talking about. Maybe he thought she was being too harsh. Maybe he thought that scumbag had a redeemable quality.

His mouth snapped shut after a moment. "…is Dust really that bad?"

She scoffed. "His name is now known throughout Axel as meaning 'so low he hit bedrock and decided to learn Explosion magic to keep digging'," she spat back with a raised eyebrow.

Gerrard winced, but he recovered enough to sighed tiredly. "Maybe you should pay back your debts next time?"

Gerrard winced again as he saw her blood pressure rise. "_ME!? _You want _me_ to pay _my_ debts back? What about _Dust_? How come _he _gets to ignore _his _debts, but the moment _I _miss one _measly _check in, I get dragged here?"

He shrugged. "He's better at convincing people they should defend him and that he can defend the town. Lends a bit of credence to the idea that you should treat other people to ale sometimes, doesn't it?"

She knew he didn't mean it to sound mocking – his face was the image of shining, slightly nervous helpfulness – but she didn't care.

Ash was sure that a vein or twelve were popping out of her forehead at this point, but the Head of Axel's Police just snapped his fingers, and two policemen walked up behind her and pointed at the door.

Ash pouted and spun around. They led her through the place, towards the area that was called 'the recreation center.' Or, that was what these two told her it was called.

The door opened, she was shoved in, and it was locked behind her. She sighed, and-

She blinked rapidly, trying not to rub her eyes or pull out a few of her magically-altered, bright blue hair. What-

As one, everyone in the room turned to her. Dust – in typical, black-striped prison attire – was standing in front of a very androgynous, generic… person. Behind him, a slew of people were standing, generally attempting to look menacing as they all sized up the androgynous person next to Dust.

Dust walked towards her, and she noticed a few more things. He had an odd tattoo on his neck, his blond hair was slicked back, he'd grown something of a beard, and his every step seemed to have an extra skip to it. He moved with a certain grace he never had, something she guessed was due to his always being drunk.

"Well, well, well. Lookie what we got 'ere, boys."

Ash rose from where she had been thrown to the ground. "Dust, what the hell are you doing? You don't have an accent."

He paid her no mind. "Well, it's lookin' like we've got another one of themses prisoners to sort out."

Ash continued to stare at Dust incomprehensibly, and he groaned – still in that funny accent. He spun around, and gestured to the others.

He began to tap his foot on the ground, and the sound echoed around the small, enclosed area they were currently in. Ash could see more beyond the room they were in – what looked to be a mock-Church, a shower, a small grassy plot of dirt, and a few beds – through two tiny windows in the brick.

Suddenly, the lights in the room dimmed, and Ash looked around wildly. "Dust? What the hell are you doing? I swear, if you touch me, I'll have every female in the guild band together to castrate you."

She continued to try to look around, when light began to stream into the small enclosed area through one of the windows.

"Break out? Of this place? Why would anyone… wanna break out?"

The light shined down on Dust, who was lounging on a table as four other inmates spun him around. No longer was he facing the wooden door leading out into the larger part of the recreational area, but towards her.

He got off of the table, and…

All thoughts of trying to say that she hadn't mentioned a breakout – she was only here for the afternoon to teach her not to be tardy – were replaced by the urge to say something much more satisfying.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me," she said. She tried to find the generic looking person that Dust had been eyeing angrily, but she couldn't.

"The outside world, recoils in fear," he began. The four other inmates in this room were snapping their fingers, and he continued to… _sing._

"Thinking if they slip up, they'll get locked up in here."

Another of the windows opened, and he began to snap along to a beat she couldn't hear, and he was _also_ including body and hand gestures to drive home his actions.

"You're killing yourself to make ends meet, while I'm working on my tan and kicking up my feet."

Suddenly, she was pushed from behind. The wooden door was pushed open. She saw the generic looking person pulling up the door, but her vision was pointed toward Dust as he walked past a group of prisoners who were continuing to provide a beat by snapping.

"You can't beat livin' in prison, there's always something to do. And you know who's paying – everybody but you!"

He gestured towards a shower, where a heavily bearded man – an adventurer she recognized – was toweling off. "Every day I wake up to a nice hot shower-"

"If you expect me to join you, you'll be sorry for hours," she added. He blinked in shock, for a moment, and then he grinned.

The others took their hands off of her as she pulled away, and she followed Dust towards the grassy patch of dirt, where some prisoners were using sticks as if they were swords and lifting weights.

"Poke some dudes, and lift weights in the yard," he said as a squinting-adventurer walked towards a lifelike and life-sized painting of the Head of Axel's Police.

"Maybe blow off some steam, scare old man Gerrard!"

Another adventurer, who had what looked to be heavy weights on his arms and legs, danced across the tiny spit of earth. "And there's nothing, more exquisite, than when I get my 7-hour Succubus visit!"

Ash felt her eyebrows crease – Succubus? – but Dust hurriedly dragged her towards the bedding area, where all the prisoners were now gathering. "Come on and meet the gang!"

"There's Hartford the Pickle, and Shitface Frank, he makes the best hooch wine in his toilet tank." Ash tried not to grimace too much as Dust leaned down and plunged his head into the aforementioned toilet tank.

She blinked as the snapping stopped and everyone began to take a moment to breathe. Before she could ask, he was back up, and she gave him a look of supreme disappointment.

The tattoo? Made with a marker or pen, judging by the way it was melting off of his skin.

His beard? Completely fake and made of… tiny clippings. She didn't want to know where he'd gotten them.

His hair? Completely ruined.

He blinked, and then a lazy grin spread across his face and he stumbled towards the last of the prisoners. "Uh… there's Bumbum-"

"I told you never to mention that, you stupid degenerate."

"-and Tanya-"

"Hey! Don't compare me to that loli! I'm not flat or short or mean and angry!"

"-and Sparkly McGee, and everyone one of us scumbags agree:"

The other inmates inhaled deeply, as did Dust, and…

He collapsed. Ash could see that he was grinning and smiling stupidly to himself and generally probably imagining a fair number of them naked or giving him undying praise or showering him in money.

The other prisoners looked around, and just as it looked like they might disperse while cursing Dust…

"I don't wanna be free!"

Ash turned to see that the generic looking prisoner Dust had been trying to intimidate had jumped up on one of the cafeteria tables. They all looked at them, and…

Ash jumped up onto one of the beds. "I don't wanna be free!" she echoed.

They stared at her and smiled widely as the other prisoners grabbed plates from the cafeteria and used them as props.

"Leave me in luxury," she and the generic prisoner shouted.

"Leave me in luxury!" the others echoed them as a chorus.

They grinned at her. "Why try a getaway,"

She grinned back at them. "When hard time is only a day?"

They were singing together. "I've got a trash pedigree."

"I've got a trash pedigree!"

"But here we're nobility." they sang again, jumping across tables and beds to touch down near the center of the room.

"Hey Pa, look at me!"

"I always think about the world beyond," they said as they grabbed her hands. She grinned back, singing, "I'll go apologize to my mom."

"No! I don't wanna be," he said.

"Free! Not the life for me," she replied.

"No! I don't wanna be…"

The others began to pull out more props from under their beds. The painting of Gerrad was broken open to reveal a horde of white and black canes. The beds were turned over to reveal snazzy top hats.

They handed them out, and the beat began again, all of them together.

"…frrrreeeeee!"

"Of these amenities!"

"If I tried to live this good out there…" she said, looking to her partner.

They grinned sheepishly. "I'd have to be, a… ten thousandaire?" they finished as confusion crossed their face.

Ash grinned. They weren't any good with money, just like her?

They continued the dance routine, and she spun them in her arms into a dip, staring into their eyes. "This is where I wanna grow old…"

They grinned back at her. "So I'm just praying, I don't make parole."

She brought them back up and hugged them, and they giggled. "Cuz I don't wanna be free!"

Everyone was staring at them, and Ash took the initiative, leaning in for a quick kiss-

"Alright everyone! Back in your cells, maggots!"

Ash looked up to see…

She felt herself growing pale. The female policewomen.

Terrifying, ruthless, and terribly dangerous to anyone that dared to get on their bad side. She gulped and tried to-

"That's the one!"

She sighed tiredly and let go of the generic looking adventurer. "Maybe next time?" they asked.

She nodded quickly as one of them walked towards her. "There you are! Why didn't you tell me you had to take out a loan to settle our bet? If you needed more time-"

She glared. "I didn't want to bother you."

They rolled their eyes and gestured towards the door. She gave a passing kick to Dust, and then, they were gone.

Ash would spend the next few hours talking to Sabrina and going over the need to have good money management skills. She wasn't all that interested however.

Maybe Dust wasn't all bad. She wouldn't have met that prisoner if he hadn't done that whole musical number, after all.

-OxOxO-

**A/N 2:** Mostly Canon.

The singing probably isn't, but the events – Dust taking a newbie named Ash around and showing them the ropes, and her falling for another prisoner – are. It won't affect the plot at all, but Omakes aren't really supposed to, are they?

**A/N 3: **I think this is a good start to that Omake series I promised, right? A bit of music, fun, romance, and lighthearted BS is always good. Keeps me from wading too deep into the cesspools of sadness that future chapters of Third Time's the Charm creates.

-OxOxO-

**The Song:**

The outside world recoils in fear

Thinking if they slip up, they'll get locked up in here

You're killing yourself to make ends meet

While I'm workin' on my tan and kicking up my feet

You can't beat livin' in prison, there's always something to do

And you know who's paying - everyone but you!

Every day I wake up to a nice hot shower

If you expect me to join you, you'll be sorry for hours

Poke some dudes, and lift weights in the yard

Maybe blow off some steam, scare old man Gerrard

And there's nothing more exquisite

Than when i get my 7-hour Succubus visits

There's Hartford the Pickle, and Shitface Frank

he makes the best hooch wine in his toilet tank

there's Bumbum, and Tanya, and Sparkles McGee,

And every single one of us scumbags agree:

I don't wanna be free (I don't wanna be free)

Leave me in luxury (Leave me in luxury)

Why try a getaway

When hard time is only a day?

I got a trash pedigree (I got a trash pedigree)

But here we're nobility (Hey Pa, look at me)

I always think about the world beyond

I'll go apologize to my mom

No! I don't wanna be

Free! Not the life for me

No! I don't wanna be...

...freeeee

Of these amenities

If I tried to live this good out there

I'd have to be a the thousandaire

This is where I wanna grow old

So I'm just praying I don't make parole

Cuz I don't wanna be free


	2. Farewell, Former Party Members

Eris sighed tiredly. Speaking to Him was taxing – how couldn't it be? – but she had managed to look into the current living Reincarnates to see if any of them would be willing to accept help in exchange for doing a task for her.

Most of them would be willing to accept help, but most annoyingly, many of them probably would expect it to arrive from Aqua, and not her.

She supposed that that made some kind of sense – Aqua had sent them there, after all – but she handled the humans from Japan, not here.

Eris shook her head. Speaking of handling the humans, she did need to do that. Finding time to work on her other projects, along with helping those who died to move onward would be… tiring, but she would have to.

She left her office area and entered the 'black box.' She supposed it was a cute enough pet name for the vast, infinite space where all the Gods and Goddesses met with the humans under their purview.

She came to rest in her seat, and she opened the small desk by her white chair to see who she was meeting first…

She grimaced. Oh…

She looked past the first page, to confirm that the others were up next. She shook her head and decided she'd do a group meeting.

The one chair in front of her silently multiplied into four, and four humans suddenly appeared.

As one, they screamed out, and Eris winced. Many who died in the midst of a battle did that, and, sometimes, it took… too long for them to come out of their fear of battle.

Thankfully, they all calmed down rather quickly, and Eris steeled herself. They had agreed to help her in order to take their revenge, and instead, they'd all died for the effort.

When they had all calmed down, they began to speak. "Damn, I thought we'd get her that time…" Rin muttered.

Kei shrugged helplessly. "Well, at least we all-"

He was situated on the far left, but he looked ever farther left in an attempt to find… something. He turned to her and raised a nervous hand. "Ah… uh, Miss Goddess, do you… know what happened to Chris?"

Eris felt an eye twitch, and Jin, his eyes wide, shot up. "Does that mean she won?"

She sighed. How… couldn't they tell it was her? She hadn't changed anything about her face…

Was her outfit that different?

Their enthusiasm for the outcome didn't change, however, so Eris rolled her eyes. "Firstly, my real name is Eris. Secondly, no, I didn't win. I had to _kiss_ that monster so I could grab one of her explosive knives, create a distraction, and then find an out of the way place to warp back here."

They all blinked, looking her up and down. Eris's eyes widened. If they so much as-

"You pad your breasts," they muttered as one. Eris glared at them, very tempted to unleash some kind of power on them, and they all sat back in their chairs, heads bowed.

She sighed. "Honestly, who did you guys _think_ I was?"

"Uh… another Reincarnate?" Rin ventured. Kei nodded his ascent to that sentiment, while Jin shrugged noncommittally.

"I thought you might be some kind of special Reincarnate, but otherwise, I didn't like to think about it."

She shook her head. "Well, I suppose that this is the part where you all get mad at me-"

Kei cut her off in an instant. "Why?"

Eris looked at him in confusion. "W-Why? Because we failed, of course!"

Kei shook his head. "…It was a long shot though, right? She had guns and stuff, and while taking them away was a good idea, there wasn't any guarantee that she couldn't just… activate her relics and wipe away the town."

Eris blinked, and she felt guilt welling up in her. She had been expecting anger and dissatisfaction; this was… different.

Many, many adventurers who came here were often angry about dying, despite being her adherents. Most of the time, she couldn't do much other than shrug and tell them how many times they could have died, if they didn't have their Luck.

Acceptance was… not better than anger. She knew how to deal with anger. She didn't know what to say in the face of them being… _fine_ with death. How often did this happen with humans who died young?

Jin's calm smile didn't have the effect he probably thought it did. "Yeah. We tried our best, and while I would have liked a more… _noble_ death, we gave it our all."

"At least she killed you personally. She just tossed one of those cool knife-grenades at _me_," Rin muttered. He and Jin began to argue, and Eris looked down.

She supposed that soldiers were supposed to treat death as an old friend, considering just how much of it they saw, but… none of them were soldiers.

Eris heard Rin cut off his argument. "Anyway, whatever. We'll just have to hope that that evil bitch gets killed by one of our countrymen or something. For now…"

He turned away from Jin and looked towards her. "What are… our options? Last time, it was Heaven or Reincarnation, either into that world or into any other. What have we got this time?"

Jin looked at Rin. "Heaven? I only got Reincarnation…"

None of them looked at the still silent Hiroshi.

Eris shook her head. "You… you all tried your hardest, and you helped out Heaven, so…"

She smiled at them. "I'll pull some strings and see if you can't go where you want."

She looked to Rin first, and he smirked. "I suppose I am the easiest to sort out of us, so…"

He smiled. "How about Heaven?"

Eris looked down at the book and turned two pages forward, quickly looking at his life. "Hm… you might have ended up as a Cardinal if your life hadn't been cut short, so I'm proud to say that you'll be eligible to become an Angel in a few thousand years."

He blinked in shock, and then grinned widely. "Neat! Uh… in case I get… bored of… immortality?" he half-asked. She waved her hand a bit to indicate the sort-of immortal nature of the souls that moved on. "If you get too bored, you can Reincarnate."

He nodded. "Yeah, I'll just go to Heaven."

She nodded, and then she turned to Kei as Rin sat down. The former Thief was looking helpful, but she shot him down. "We don't have any openings, but…"

She leaned forward, and his spirits rose. "Some of us were kind of like you once. I wasn't, but plenty of Gods and Goddesses were mortal once. I'll send you to get Reincarnated in a world where it _might_ happen."

He looked happy enough, but she quickly added, "I warn you, it's a rare, almost impossible occurrence, and you might not even want to do it in your next life."

He shrugged. "Eh, I'll try my Luck. It could never hold a candle to your's, but I'll try all the same."

She nodded and turned to Jin. He seemed incredibly smug, but she had to disappoint him too. "First things first: what do you want?"

He smiled triumphantly, though her tone seemed to dampen his spirits somewhat, if the falling of his shoulders was anything to go by. "Well… like I said down there, a world where Japan didn't get bombed by the Americans would be-"

"Yes, but in what way? The Nazis won in Europe and nuked America themselves? America joined the Axis powers? Japan never unified, and never became a world power? I need more specifics."

He blinked, but then he shook his head. "W- What? Why would I want the Nazis to win?"

She raised a skeptical eyebrow, and he rubbed the back of his head. "Ah, I suppose that I _did_ word things a bit vaguely… but did you all _really_ think I was…"

The others all stared pointedly at his and said nothing, and he touched the tips of his fingers together nervously. "I didn't mean anything like that… my family just owned a lot of businesses in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Most of them – quite obviously – went under. I just… wanted to go to a world where that didn't happen."

Eris felt her expression softening. "Ah… well, in that case, there is still a lot of wiggle room. Do you want nuclear physics to not be able to be used in nuclear weapons? Do you want two _different_ cities to be bombed? Do you want to go to a world where the Americans had to do invade conventionally and take the country by force?"

For a moment, if seemed as though Jin was about to pick one of those, but then he sighed and put his head in his hands. "If I chose a different city, like… Tokyo…"

Eris said nothing, and, after a few moments, he looked up. "The Taisho era!"

She blinked, but he continued to grin. "Can you find a world where the Taisho era continued on? I don't care all that much about the specifics, but if it's a world where Japan stayed democratic, then I'm all for it!"

Eris tilted her head and nodded. "Alright. I'll see what I can do."

With that, she looked at the journal by her side. The other three were staring at the still quiet Hiroshi, and Eris took that opportunity to send them off.

In a flash of blinding light, they were gone. She would bring them back here for their specific reincarnation when she found specific, good worlds for them. For now, however…

She glared at Hiroshi, and his formerly stony expression stretched out into a wide smirk. "I was wondering when we'd get to this! Now, I'd like to go to a world where the legal age is… let's say _eleven_. Preferably, it's ruled by-"

"Shut up."

He raised an eyebrow at her, and she just continued to glare. "I must say, it was hard keeping my hatred of you in check."

He raised an… _indulgent_ eyebrow. "Oh? You can't stand my fetish? I thought us religious types didn't mind that sort of thing. At least, the ones in my old world certainly didn't seem to mind, as long as we didn't get caught."

She snarled. "Do I look like Aqua? She might accept anyone and everyone, including _people into bestiality _and _pedophiles_ and _homosexuals,_ but the perks of only having followers in one world means that I can keep a tight leash on my followers."

He snickered, and she snapped her fingers. His wooden chair was replaced by a much more foreboding black one. Chains sprang up from the sides and bound his arms to the chair.

"I find it hilarious that Aqua doesn't even care about her followers after they die. I oversee those that die in that world, including her followers, and I do not often look kindly on them."

He smiled again. "Come on. You managed to work with me then. What's so-"

"I have a job to do, and, in accordance with your karma, I sentence thee to Hell!"

He didn't even have the decency to look terrified. "Sheesh. I don't think you're even using 'thee' right, but-"

"There are no children in Hell, you piece of shit."

_That_ seemed to break his mask of superiority. Then, he just shrugged. "Eh, I've got more than enough memories of my first life and of Degurechaff to last me for a while."

As the ground below him began to light up – much like it did when they reincarnated those going to this world, except that it was red – she smiled at him with mock-sweetness.

"Oh? You didn't know?"

His mask disappeared, and he looked concerned. She smirked. "Gods, Goddesses, Demons, Angels… none of us have any genitals."

He blinked rapidly, and she giggled maliciously. "It's true. We have not a single dick, vagina, or nipple among us."

His glare became furious, but, just like that, he was gone. She sighed.

She _hated_ dealing with these types, but it was unavoidable. Even working with him down there had been tiring, especially with how often he volunteered for reconnaissance, but he was where he belonged now.

She stood from her own chair, intending to stretch, when she realized that he had taken his chair with him.

She smiled at the spot he had been. Oh, how unfortunate. He'd been dropped into Hell strapped down to a chair that needed more strength and power than he would ever get.

She immediately pushed him out of her mind as she stretched before those she had to see next. That was just too bad, wasn't it?

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1: **Canon.

A big thanks to Mechamorph for their comment suggesting this. I was fine with those four's end being in Chapter 18 and never hearing from them again, but they gave me the idea for this.

I might also use the other ideas they had, later on.

Other than that, I hope you all enjoyed. Expect the next chapter of TTtC on Friday or Saturday.

**A/N 2: **Oh, and for any of you that are here from specifically KonoSuba and not Youjo Senki, the whole 'no genitals' thing is stated by Vanir numerous times and confirmed by the Fallen Angel, Duke, in Volume 13.

This does, of course, mean that all of the Succubi in Axel have nothing.

This also means that Aqua has nothing.

(I cackle for over an hour after unleashing this fact on you all, which is how long I laughed when I _first_ realized what Vanir's words about the lack of genitals on the denizens of Heaven and Hell meant for Aqua)


	3. Relations

Tanya smiled broadly at Luna. It had been a while since she'd seen the woman, and, even if the gleam in her eyes told Tanya that the receptionist was itching to assign her some quests, Tanya was happy to see her.

She opened her mouth, but Tanya interrupted her before she had the chance to talk. "It's nice to see you Luna, but before we talk, I need to know if any re-"

She cut herself off with a cough. She couldn't refer to them as Reincarnates while talking to regular people. They might think she was insane or something.

"Ahem… Hero Candidates. I need to know if you've seen any."

Luna nodded, and Tanya felt her gaze dragged away from the woman's eyes by her chest for an instant. She shook her head, and Luna let a contemplative finger rest on her chin.

"Yeah, a whole bunch of them came for a while, but recently, they have stopped showing up completely," the receptionist said.

Tanya nodded, wondering if she would have the chance to kill them, or if they could be persuaded to abandon their quest.

"Anyone of note?" she asked.

Luna seemed stumped, for a moment, but then her face lit up. The joy at remembering something else quickly faded into what Tanya recognized as disappointment from the many time Luna had tried to convince her to change jobs.

"Yeah… they're not the most active group of adventurers, but they're surprisingly powerful, even if they have a couple of drawbacks."

She was silent after that, and Tanya raised an eyebrow, expecting some explanation. After a moment of hesitation, she continued. "I guess I'll start with their leader. His name is Kazuma Satou, and-"

But Tanya didn't hear the rest of her explanation. Kazuma Satou?

Refocusing, Tanya jumped from where she'd been resting against the counter to stare at Luna.

"Does he have brown hair, green eyes, and a relatively average stature? Does he generally feel that he shouldn't work if he doesn't need to?"

Luna blinked, and nodded shakily. "Yeah, that's him. How did you-"

"Where is he?"

Luna looked rather panicked, and Tanya didn't blame her. Tanya had, after all, jumped onto the counter, gripped her shoulders and began staring deeply into her eyes.

"Where. Is. He."

She grimaced, but Tanya got directions to the _mansion_ that he'd managed to get. Tanya had no doubt that the boy got it in some way that made him feel incredibly guilty.

That was just who he had been.

-OxOxO-

Kazuma reclined in front of the fire as Aqua's cries of displeasure echoed through the mansion. She was currently fixing the toilets, as was her job.

Thankfully, she had forgotten that she'd done it yesterday and that Kazuma had made a deal with her where he'd promised she'd get the seat in front of the fireplace. He, however, wouldn't be telling her any of that, and with both Megumin and Darkness gone for the next few hours, he'd continue to relax.

Or, he would have, but a booming, echoing knock sounded on the door. He groaned, and then continued to sit there. They couldn't get inside, and –

"Kazuma Satou! If you don't open this door right now, I'll blow it down!"

He waited a second after the woman's shout, and then shrugged his shoulders. It seemed that the woman had left.

_CRACK!_

Kazuma darted out of his seat, rushing through the mansion. He didn't want to pay for damages to this place!

"I'm coming, you crazy bitch! What idiot actually breaks into someone else's house? I'll call the police!"

Grumbling to himself after his declaration, he finally got to the front door, and found that it was still in one piece and closed. Sighing in relief, he walked towards the door and opened it, finding…

Nothing.

He scratched his head. Nothing?

He scanned the front gates and the lawn, and then scowled. This part of Axel must have very annoying pranksters, if they were-

"Ahem."

He looked down, and finally found the person who had been knocking at his door. He opened his mouth, ready to tell the girl to buzz off.

He didn't want to deal with a twelve-year-old today.

"Kazuma Satou."

He blinked, looking into the girl's eyes and finding something that looked like recognition, as well as relief. If they'd come here for him, then…

"Which one was it?" he asked despondently. "I haven't heard an explosion, so I guess it was Darkness? I'll come and-"

"I've come here for _you_, actually." Tanya gazed into his green eyes, and Kazuma raised an eyebrow, looking the petite girl over.

Then he smirked. "I suppose it was only inevitable that I'd get fans. I'm not into lolis, though, so unless you want to come back when you've developed, then-"

"You are a Reincarnate from Japan."

Kazuma paused. "What?"

She continued to gaze into his eyes. "You were born into a relatively modest family. Despite being older, your parents gave the bigger bedroom to your brother because they thought that he deserved it more due to his academic prowess."

Kazuma clapped his hands over his ears. He wasn't going to take these accusations, even if they sounded true.

Tanya let a small frown cover her face, but she just shrugged, channeling mana into the Type 97. She activated Reinforcement Spells, and pried his hands off his ears, stepping forward and into the boy's mansion.

"You lived closer to the countryside, while your father commuted into Tokyo proper. You look more like your mother than your father. You're a proud NEET who thinks that his parents wouldn't notice him sneaking back into their house and avoiding school."

Now, Kazuma backpedaled without being pushed, but Tanya kept a firm hold of his hands and walked with him.

"One dreary day, you probably got word that your father was pushed off a train platform by a man he'd fired just hours earlier. There was likely very little left of his body, and knowing you, you probably moved past their death too quickly for your mother."

Now, Kazuma was completely still, just staring at her with widened eyes. All the fight had left him. Tanya released his hands and drew herself up.

"Who…"

"Kazuma Satou…"

She took in a breath, and then smiled.

"I am your father."

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1: **Not Canon in the slightest for a wide, uncountable number of reasons.

Despite not being canon, it is funny to imagine what events could have possibly lead to this and what would happen afterwards. Or just one of Kazuma's family members showing up to his mansion one day.


	4. Relations 2

Being a rather short girl who'd found herself rubbing shoulders – figuratively; she was too short to do it physically – with some of the most important leaders of the Empire's war effort against its enemies had given Tanya a lot of practice with being stared at in either awe or confusion.

Those situations hadn't… _exactly _prepared Tanya for this situation, however.

Most of those leaders, after all, were men. _Aging _men, too, most of the time, but some were on the younger side.

Tanya could appreciate the fact that a great many of them were probably attractive in one sense or another, even if she didn't care for any of them at all.

Regardless, none of them had been beautiful women staring her down with looks of pure confusion, either.

Tanya took another sip of the hot water in the teacup she grasped in her hand, closing her eyes and imagining that it was the coffee she was promised. Those crusty old men would probably look a lot more like the three people sitting in front of her and her… son after being told that Tanya was her father, in another life.

They had introduced themselves first, before Tanya had introduced herself in her normal fashion. Aqua had looked like she was on the verge of tears, until Kazuma had spoken up and revealed the truth, along with an explanation of their _real _past, at her prompting and threatening.

And _speaking _of that son…

"I've got to say, Kazuma. You've done well for yourself. I would have thought you would sit around in one of those stables for a couple years and forget all about your quest to kill the Demon King."

She opened half an eye to stare at her son. She couldn't _quite _make out what the expression on his face was supposed to mean – though it looked like an odd cross between being constipated and forced blankness – but his posture told her enough.

The hunched back and head staring down at the ground…

The hands clasped together and shoved between his legs and pressed into the couch they were sitting on…

The way his shoulders were nearly past his knees, as if he were just waiting to make a run for it…

Yes; her son, as always, was uncomfortable around her.

She almost sighed. It seemed that his transportation into this world – at the hands of the still stupefied 'goddess' sitting across from her – had not cured him of his scorn for his family members.

She almost snorted at that thought. It wasn't as if it were her or her wife's or her youngest son's fault.

Kazuma was a NEET, after all.

Tanya opened her eyes wide and looked at the other three in the room. Surprisingly, Aqua seemed to be taking it best. She wasn't twitching erratically, after all.

Considering Tanya had forced Kazuma to spill the beans about their reincarnation to his friends, she wasn't all that surprised.

Darkness was the worst off, actually. She seemed to be twitching and gibbering and casting her darkened gaze at Kazuma, Aqua, and Tanya over and over, like a spinning coin waiting to topple over.

The other one, Megumin, seemed more perturbed about some kind of 'feud' she thought she had with Tanya, a notion which she had dissuaded her of immediately.

Tanya had no idea what the muttered comments of 'bad parties' and 'rival' had meant, but she didn't honestly care.

She rose. "Well, it's been nice talking to you all, but I think I-"

She felt a hand grab her arm, and she turned to look at Kazuma. The look on his face had finally passed, and he seemed more… annoyed than anything. "Wait a second…"

Tanya blinked, and the annoyance passed into mild anger as he stood up. "You can't just leave! You've just created a ton of problems! I don't want to-"

Tanya scoffed. "_Kazuma Satou…"_

His face immediately lost all of its anger as his scowl became a nervous, tiny smile and his eyes shrank. "Ah, you haven't lost that terrifying ability to say my name and make me want to run away like in a Studio Ghibli movie…"

She crossed her arms, ripping her forearm away from him. "These problems would have surfaced anyway! Do you think they would have just accepted that Aqua calls herself the 'goddess' of water and has powers and-"

"Yes, we would have."

Tanya blinked and stared at the pair of them with a skeptically raised eyebrow. They stared at her with an equally nonplussed expression, and Tanya wondered if they were all but words on a page, with how utterly _flat _everyone around her was starting to look.

"Well." She said it with just the slightest change in tone to indicate that it was just ever so slightly derisive.

She looked back at Kazuma, muttering to him behind a raised hand so they couldn't read her lips. "I know, with you being… _you_, the bar is set kinda low, son, but I thought you wouldn't hang out with _actual _idiots."

"HEY!"

"…Yeah, so did I, but I guess I shot myself in the foot by bringing along the fake goddess…"

"HEY!"

They smiled at each other for a moment, but then he shook his head. "Wait! No, really, what happened to you? You were gone for, like… three months. How are you…"

He gestured vaguely at her, and she raised an eyebrow. "A woman? Seventeen?"

He blinked. "Uh… yeah."

She opened her mouth, but then Darkness jumped in. "HOLD IT!"

She seemed to be breathing heavily, but she wasn't casting her eyes about towards the inhabitants of the room anymore. She took a deep breath, and then turned on Megumin. "You're just going to accept all this?"

She shrugged. "Eh. I've seen more contrived plots in the venerated histories of the Crimson Demons and some books at the library. If Kazuma accepts it, then we should probably conclude that he and Degurechaff are brain damaged and that we need to take care of them for-"

"HEY!"

Darkness whirled on Kazuma. "Alright! How do you know that she's your _father?"_

He blinked, and then his face assumed that half-constipated, half-blank look again. "Ah, it's really… _rather _private, so-"

"I told him the exact date and time that he first masturbated, of course."

Kazuma's face twisted in on itself, and he shrank down from standing with hunched shoulders to nearly being doubled over.

Tanya gave the disgusted, baffled stares the other three adventurers were sending her way the response they deserved: a scoff, followed by a short explanation.

"I told our internet service provider to inform me of any odd activity they saw. I got a notice, and, as planned, I gave him The Talk and warned him, under no uncertain circumstances, that if he got anyone pregnant, I would disown him to save my career, unless he proved himself worth the effort of defending."

She turned her head towards Kazuma, as did the other three, and Tanya sighed. "Using it as a way to identify each other is foolproof, even if he obviously hasn't ever earned that distinction."

He whined again, and she glared down at him. "Oh, shut up. Your mother and I were well aware that you weren't attending your classes – did you think the teachers wouldn't report your absence, or that we just didn't care about your success?"

He glared up at her, and then he apparently decided that standing wasn't worth the effort. He curled up into a ball and faced his back towards her. "I thought you two would be too busy. You two seemed to love your jobs that much, anyway…"

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Of course not! Your mother and I might have married out of convenience, but we grew to care for each other and you and your brother, even _if_ we show it by demanding your best."

He shot her another look over his shoulder, and she sighed. "Look… my years of fighting in a magic version of Europe has taught me… a lot about… emotions."

"Oh? You finally learned that those are real and not a figment of people's imaginations?" he asked.

She easily ignored him and continued. "Anyway. We probably could have raised you and your brother a bit better… but you could have done better too- and don't deny it, you NEET!" she shouted the last part as he made to complain again.

She took another step forward. "Honestly, have you looked around yourself? A mansion? You managed to acquire a mansion in only a few months here! I'm _proud _of you for doing so much, even if I wonder why the hell you didn't show this much initiative in real life!"

Tanya could see his ears beginning to glow red as she continued. "And you even tied three people to you forever! There's literally no one that would want to partner with them, thanks to their very niche abilities and uses, but you've managed to use them well and tie them to you! They couldn't leave if they wanted to! I'm _really _proud of you"

"HEY!"

He was silent, for a moment, digesting her words. Then he sighed. "Whatever. You've explained, and I suppose that I can get details later… but no parent should confront their child over _porn. _Would you ever want that done to you?"

He was now sitting up and staring up at her, waiting for an obvious 'no.'

Tanya smirked.

"Are you kidding? Half the reason that we married, beyond the need to appear properly and happily married to our coworkers, was the fucking great… well, _fucking."_

She wiggled her eyebrows to make sure he understood.

He did. His expectant gaze quickly soured, and Tanya's smirk grew wider. "Yeah. You know the reason we gave you all that soundproofing material for your 'gaming setup' was because we got more than we needed for our room, right?"

That sour expectant look quickly grew into everlasting horror, and Tanya fought the urge to cackle. "Honestly, if we were into exhibitionism, we could have remade the more raunchy parts of the Kama Sutra-"

"AAALLLLLL RIGHT!" he cried, begging her to stop.

She didn't.

"We might not know exactly, but we _think _you were conceived-"

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!"

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1: **Not Canon for an even wider number of reasons than the last one.

Regardless… by popular demand, I have a continuation of 'Relations'! We got a taste of the interactions between Tanya and the Canon Gang, as well as some background on the hypothetical home life of a fatherly salary man and his NEET son. I hope you enjoyed it, as it'll probably be the last you see of it from me, for now.

Now, I might do a bit more for it later if my muse decides to go for it, but I'm not going to make it it's own story or focus on it, even if it _is _intriguing to imagine what Kazuma's life would be like if, say, his family all got killed together and they all got isekai'd at once.

Now that I mention it, that would make an interesting original story, too…

Regardless, if someone would like to adapt these Omakes into a story of their own, fucking go for it! It's a hilarious idea, if you ignore the impossibility of, you know, Tanya having a family.


	5. Warriors, One and All

Eris blinked at all the activity going on around her. This…

This was _astonishing._

Her world, as undeveloped as it was, didn't have this much activity these days. The old Kingdom of Norse that had been done in thanks to a Reincarnate's idiocy, as prosperous and advanced in the ways of magic, hadn't ever had this much activity.

She was sure that there weren't even many versions of _Earth, _as a whole, that had this much going on.

In her few thousand years of existence, from the beginning to the few minutes ago that she hadn't seen this place, she hadn't seen so much _moving_.

Angels of all shape and color flew about the wide, vast space, their wings glittering in the light shining from the glowing ball of light in the center of the giant, cloud-laden room that she couldn't even see the edges of.

They were moving… things. Weapons, from holy swords and spears that glowed thanks to magic to great, technologically advanced cannons that Eris was fairly sure didn't exist in the vast majority of worlds. Entire houses, slumbering beasts, a few tanks…

They were also… drilling. She could see a Principality showing dozens upon dozens of Angels, for what have must have – literally – been the millionth time how best to fight using any kind of weapon. She could see many using the holy swords and spears – more powerful and devastating than most anything a human could have devised – and other shooting at targets, switching between bows and arrows composed of light and metal and glowing, white and gray rifle's whose projectiles shone blue, even across a distance she couldn't really even guess at.

Despite the Angels shouting, despite everything around her and the God she was speaking to… Sarutahiko Okami remained sitting in a lotus position, calmly addressing anyone he could pick out from the shouting, nearly-panicked mass of holy beings around him.

Then, they all were mostly gone, and Eris had his full, undivided attention. Just as he was about to rise, an Angel called out. "Stop sitting like that. You aren't Buddhist, you stupid Japanese-"

Whatever they were about to say about the 'stupid Japanese-,' they were quickly quelled by a glare from the object of his scorn. "I can't help it if…"

He scoffed. "Leave me. I have matters more pressing than those of impudent fools."

Though she heard grumbling, the Angels did all flitter away, towards other Gods and Goddesses seated on the giant platform that surrounded the star-like ball of light at the center of the room.

With a huff, he readjusted the cord tying his long hair into a bun on top of his head and smiled widely at her. "Now, I don't often get visits from the likes of you, so you can say that I'm very curious how you even managed it."

Eris might have taken offence at how the orange-skinned man said the words 'the likes of you,' but there was no denying that he used the term endearingly.

And, really, there _was _an undeniable gap between Eris – whose religion hadn't spread beyond a single world – and most of the Deities that hailed from some version of Earth and controlled at least a few dozen of the planet humans hailed from.

She smiled at him and fluffed the wings of her outfit absent-mindedly. "Well, I just used a few of the skills I've gotten managing so much paperwork. I called in a few favors, and, with a bit of Luck…"

She trailed off and blinked at his response.

He shivered, shaking his white, wide, almost… poncho-like shirt and shaking his head. "You Luck Deities scare me, sometimes. War can be tricky business, but I don't have to judge people for living their lives, at least…"

Eris shrugged, and the Deity rose from the floor he was sitting on and brandished his golden spear – which seemed to be adorned with jewels, one of which _had _to be Coronatite – about the room. "Well, I think I'll get an outsider's perspective. How is this place?"

Eris didn't need to take another look around; she'd be remembering this place for centuries. "It's…"

Then, she paused, trying to find the words. Eventually, she hesitantly finished her sentence. "Is it enough?"

Sarutahiko Okami grimaced, which didn't do any wonders for his looks, especially with a nose as long as his. "It had _better _be. We've got our best and brightest defending The Descent for when it's vulnerable during The Anniversary. They're aren't even supposed to be enough traitors to make it this far, but…"

He grumbled. "Well, even if they _do _make it here, they'll have to make it through me. I protected Heaven when Hell tried their damnedest to come up; I'm not letting anyone go down if I can't help it."

Eris nodded, and he shook his head. "Well, we'll be fine, no matter what may come. What can I do for you, Eris?"

She beamed at him, taking care to hide her annoyance at how long he'd taken to get the reason she wanted to speak to him. "Ah, you see, I was wondering if you could help me address a problem I ran into facing… The Atheist."

His face scrunched up as if he'd smelled something obscenely foul; with that nose of his, he would've been unable to smell anything so horrible if it had been anywhere in the room. Still, he sighed…

"The Atheist…"

He shook his head ruefully. "Oh, to be so unconnected to billions to be able to walk among my faithful in something resembling my true form…"

Eris felt the urge to blush at the mingled envy and scorn he heaped on her – he wanted to be with his people, but he wasn't so weak that he could easily – but she kept her face as straight as she could and he gripped his chin.

He blinked, and then raised an imperious eyebrow at her. "You didn't come to me just because she was Japanese, did you?"

Eris blinked and smiled at him. "Of course not!" she lied happily.

Inside, she was trying desperately to force herself not to sweat and reveal that-

"Of _course _that's why you chose me…" he trailed off unhappily. He crossed his arms and sank back down onto the ground.

"As you well know, The Boss controls the largest number of Earths in existence, and while most versions of Japan on those Earths are either Buddhists or agnostic, to varying degrees, I control a number of different versions of Earth."

He blinked. "In fact, you sent a soul to one of mine at their request, right? That tells you just how different The Atheist's Japan is from mine."

"But-" she began. She'd used a lot to get here, and she was _not-_

He held up a hand. "Wait. I'm not going to turn you away… but I'll make you work for it," he said, grinning. Her expression soured, but she listened as he spoke.

She wished her expression could sour more after she heard what he proposed, but she agreed anyway. She wanted the advice of those that knew more and that were higher in station than her.

She wasn't an idiot. She knew, despite her own holiness, that Degurechaff had been fighting the best of their efforts to convert and kill her long before Eris had even heard of her. She needed help, if she wanted to make sure that people she cared about didn't perish trying to fight her.

-OxOxO-

Eris gaped at the sight before her. She had expected many things, when she'd been tasked to round up a few of the War Deities that were _still _not helping out – despite the fact that the preparations for The Anniversary had been ongoing for thousands of years.

She had expected columns. Lots of white stone and marble and statues and open fires and swords and shields and chariots. Women and men alike in various states of dress. Olives and the sea and sandy beaches.

Typical things that the Greek Deities were supposed to like.

Instead, she found… deserts and mountains and lots and lots of sun… as well as tanks and aircraft and soldiers dressed in modern – by the measure of most Earths – military fatigues and carrying guns and pieces of modern technology.

The moment she'd shown up, she'd been detained by a human-ish looking Angel who gave her a look up and down and pointed her towards the looming, craggy looking mountains in the distance.

She had walked, for two days, across a desert. A human would have likely perished, but it couldn't hurt her – as long as one was loyal to Heaven, nothing in Heaven could hurt you – but it was a drag to wade through, and she was sure her clothing would need hours to fix itself from all this damage.

Still, she'd managed to arrive at the cave that was supposed to hold the two Deities. What she found…

Again, it failed to meet any of her expectations. The oh-so-mighty Ares was holding neither spear nor shield, but a bomb detonator in one hand and a phone in the other. He was not dressed in military fatigues and helmets like the Angels, but in voluminous, red and yellow robes. He set down the phone and ran a hand through his scraggly white beard and readjusted his turban as he turned around.

"When Sarutahiko said Eris was coming, I thought it would be my sister…" he trailed off unhappily. Eris said nothing.

"Well, we knew he wanted us to help out. You wouldn't have let anyone else but family come here, would you?"

Eris turned her gaze to the other inhabitant of the cave – though the screens and holograms would make you think of it as anything other than a cave. Athena, too, was not clad in a white robe and sandals and holding a spear and drinking wine; instead, she drank a Starbucks-brand coffee and tapped away at a phone in one hand.

Sunglasses were perched on her delicately manicured brown hair, while a business attire that would have done any American proud made her look all the more commanding. The array of brightly colored medals on her lapel also helped that notion.

Ares groused at that and turned to her. "Well, you can tell-"

Eris cut him off. "I'm not here to ask for your help," she said, leaving out a _yet _at the end of her sentence. That brought them up short, and both looked away from their devices to stare at her.

She took a deep breath. "I wanted to know your opinions on The Atheist. I-"

They needed nothing else. Both had broken out blindingly bright smiles, before glaring at each other. "Well, she's obviously the best soldier-"

"Tactician, you mean. She's the best-"

"Soldier, you technology-abusing-"

"Tactician, you insanity-craving-"

Eris blinked as they continued to hotly debate the subject of Degurechaff – or, more likely, their age old rivalry.

Ares turned up his nose at her, scratching his beard as he bored into her with his dark eyes. "She is best as a _soldier! _She had one of the best kill scores of any in her position as a magic-wielding, flying soldier in World War One. She could defeat any mortal in single combat; the epitome of a soldier!"

Athena scoffed, and Eris could see that she was out of coffee, or the drink would have gone everywhere with how hard she was gripping it. Eris wondered, for a moment, if the drink had spilled, if it would have made the dark, dusty cave they were in any cleaner.

"She is best as a _tactician! _What do one-on-one battles matter, when she could plan for the destruction of any force foolish enough to face her armies? She could-"

Eris finally tuned back into the conversation for long enough to realize… that neither of them seemed especially hateful of Degurechaff.

When she voiced her… _concern_, both scoffed. "Oh, please. The _moment _that she permanently accepts Him as her God, there'll be bidding wars fought over the people who get to train her on her duties. She's not like the _normal _idiots that get hefted up here…" Ares scoffed.

Athena nodded. "On the subject of the usual riffraff that get promoted to Deity-status, you have my agreement. Most aren't as wonderful as Gautama is with responsibility."

In the brief lull, Eris jumped in. "Well, it seems like you two have a lot to say about… The Atheist. Perhaps we could discuss it more?"

Both nodded enthusiastically. "Indeed. You've been most helpful to our discussions. We can't make like the factions we look like if we've got you in the room," Athena said. Ares nodded along.

Eris tilted her head. "But… I thought you two were…"

Both gave each other, and then Eris herself, looks of absolute amusement. "Young Goddess, in the worlds we control-"

"Where those stupid-ass Romans either lost, or they decided to kick The Windbag's followers to the curb, or where good old Alexander lived for more than a few stupid decades-"

She glared at Ares, and he shut up. She smiled brightly. "Anyway… we take after war, and we have few enough worlds that our followers' most prominent desires change how we look, if not our overall character. Now…"

And, as they talked about where they would meet – conveniently located close to the areas that the other War Deities were preparing defenses for, which they claimed they were helping by defending their own areas – Eris wondered why this was working so well…

Was she really that Lucky, like Sarutahiko had claimed?

-OxOxO-

Unlike the last pair she had met with, this was… _too _close to what she had expected.

It… it…

"Asgard _does _look a great deal like the most popular of the comic book movies, doesn't it?"

She whirled around to see Odin: white beard, gold eye patch, long spear, golden armor-like-clothing and all.

And he was right: he looked scarily like what those most famous movies depicted him as. She opened her mouth, unable to abate her curiosity, and he chuckled.

"Ah… while the number of worlds I _truly_ hold sway over is small, the number where I have been made famous is far greater. Adopting some changes the mortals suggested have been… nice, at least aesthetically."

She sighed, and made to open her mouth again, but again, he interrupted her. "You can tell that jumped-up Japanese bureaucrat that I'll be there soon enough to help. I'm not planning a thing, though."

She glared. "Actually, I wanted to ask about The Atheist."

His one eye blinked quickly, and then a grin broke out. "Ah… you know, if she had been dropped on a more _interesting _world, her foe wouldn't just be a Valkyrie in name."

Eris tried not to squirm at the thought of _her._ She had been… odd.

Eris shook her head, and opened her mouth, and-

"I think, without a doubt, that she does the name of the Kingdom she is currently in a certain amount of… poetic justice."

Eris stopped. "Belzerg… you mean, she's like a Berserker?"

He nodded, and, between a single blink, Odin was changed. Gone were the golds and whites and the spear, replaced instead by…

She backed away as the great bear lumbered forward and spoke. "Yes… I will be working _extra_ _hard _to make sure, when she gives in, that I'll be allowed to train her before He whisks her away to be a Seraphim, or whatever he decides to do with her."

It went without saying that Eris fled as fast as she could.

No matter if they were both Deities, she didn't like staring a bear in the face any more than a regular human would.

-OxOxO-

Eris mucked through the bog she was currently trying to traverse. Stupid, stupid…

She shook her head. No, she had to keep going. If she found this one and got her help, Sarutahiko had promised to aid her in her quest to destroy that stupid girl.

If only she could find this aging, decrepit-

"Am I _really _decrepit?"

Eris whirled around, before she calmed. She couldn't be harmed, even if she could get spooked.

"I am here to ask you about-"

And, like that, the bog and vines and gnarled trees and mushy ground and water were gone, replaced by a small, stooped over hut. Out of it…

Eris winced. Decrepit… was putting it lightly.

She could see a smallish horse off to one side of the house that didn't seem to stoop _nearly_ as much as the gray-haired, fair-skinned old woman that was now trekking towards her. A spear – short and nearly broken – hung from a leather strap that was slung around her shaking shoulders.

At once, Eris wanted to offer to help her, but…

"Be quiet, you. We _both _control the same amount of population on our single-worlds. Try and make me feel even more useless, and I'll show you just how good I've gotten in my years," the old woman crooned.

Eris raised an eyebrow, and the woman sniffed unimpressed at her. "Regardless. I suppose you all are preparing for The Anniversary, yeah?"

Eris nodded, and the woman gave Eris a once over. She mumbled something…

Eris's eyes narrowed. Anyone who spoke under their voice was _usually _saying something about her padding her breasts. "What was that?"

She snapped up so fast Eris was sure she'd broken a neck bone or five. "I said that I'll tell you about The Atheist."

Eris tried to suppress the urge to gawk, and she failed as the woman cackled. "Ah! What, you think, with my stable, uninteresting, plague-ridden world, that old Macha wouldn't keep up to date on things going on elsewhere? Shame on you!"

Eris felt the urge to tell the old hag to can it before she got out a vacuum cleaner and sucked her away, but she shook her head. "Oh, I _know _what that girl is."

Eris tilted her head. She was curious.

Curious enough to walk towards where the woman was seated on a moss-covered log, and curious enough to lean towards her as she made to whisper in Eris's ear.

What-

"SHE'S A GODDAMN THREAT!"

Eris jerked away as the hag cackled. She rubbed her ear and tried to quash the tears, but she just pointed and laughed at Eris. "Oh, you think _you've _got it hard because you lost four sub-par soldiers and had to kiss a girl to live? GROW UP!"

A flicker of the light had Eris dodging out of the way of the old horse, and she thanked her own Luck as the woman mounted it…

With difficulty. She was up on the horse, though, brandishing her half-broken spear and ignoring the wheezing of her horse. She raised her blade…

Only for the horse to collapse.

She looked down, unhappy, until she sighed and sat back down on the log. "Come over here."

When Eris didn't immediately reply, the old woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not gonna scream again. I'll tell you _why _she's a threat, too."

Eventually, Eris did sit back down, and the old woman began to speak. "Tanya von Degurechaff…"

She smiled. "She is a leader of men. Though she certainly thought of herself as only being a cog in a machine, that was only true for as long as she wanted – and could trick herself into believing – that she was one."

She sighed wistfully. "Do you know why _this _Aniversary is so contentious?"

Eris sneered at the ground. "It's because of her."

The woman made a sound that made Eris think she almost agreed with her. "That's some of it. If she had believed Him when he claimed to be God, a lot of our current panic wouldn't be going on. But…"

She sighed. "Well, I won't go into the details, but many are… dissatisfied with His decisions, myself included."

Eris's eyes widened, but she waved away her concern – and growing hostility. "Oh, be quiet. I'm no traitor… and I couldn't _really _fight any other God or Goddess. I'm… washed up."

She shook her head as Eris made to reach out a comforting hand. "No, back to the topic. The Demon King – as well as Wolbach and Regina, if they could work with such a hardcore Atheist – would be given a massive boon to have her. Most of that foolhardy boy's Generals are leaders by nature of being powerful or useful or pleasing to the masses, and while they have slowly learned what the monsters that formerly held those positions knew…"

She shook her head. "Degurechaff could upset your world in an instant. Her power and her knowledge means that _she picks the winner. _There's only so much magic can do against tanks, after all, and while our Reincarnates might hold out hope, the inhabitants would fold to the rule of the Demon King like wet paper if she came in… if she let him keep his position as Demon King."

She smiled unhappily. "Look what happened to my world: an isekai protagonist unites most of the world easily using their future knowledge in the hopes that a human civilization united more quickly would remain more devout… but a slightly different bubonic plague at a more inopportune time leaves the only bastion of life limited to a single, relatively small island. My former friends have left me to safeguard the world and have snatched up my followers elsewhere."

"I am decrepit."

She shook her head, and they were silent, for a moment. Eris reached out another hand, and then, she spoke again.

"Tell me, child… what did He promise you, to allow your followers to rid Belzerg and its allies of Wolbach and Regina's followers?"

She snapped her mouth – she had been about to offer her her condolences, not that she would do that ever again. "I-"

She smiled patiently at Eris. "Come now. We've _all _done things like that, and it _never _works out well. Playing in the affairs of mortals rarely does, for them _and_ for us."

Eris rose. She didn't have to listen to her – or think of the followers of those Dark Goddesses – if she didn't want to.

She'd got her answer, anyhow. No matter what she was – soldier, tactician, berserker, commander, leader of men, or… whatever – Degurechaff was a _threat_, able to choose a winner at the drop of a hat.

That meant that she _had _to start harming her as much as possible so she couldn't tarnish her world as this old crones clearly had been. Luck decreases for her, increases for her enemies…

Even against Demons or the Undead. Eris might hate those that had cast Heaven aside, but she hated Degurechaff more.

And, besides, hadn't she cast Heaven aside too?

She ignored the muck and cold and grime of the bog as much as she could. It was easy, really, with the echoing laughter of that crazy old Goddess wrapping around her until she could teleport away.

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1: **So. I promised to upload every day after the eleventh for a week because of how good my life was, and then I stopped in the middle…

I was _going _to keep up the schedule, but Isekai Quartet Season 2 came out and smacked me across the face, and I wasn't going to upload anything that _wasn't _related to at least one of those fandoms in celebration.

That's this, by the way. I belted it out in just under three and a half hours, and I think I did pretty good, representing her talk with a bunch of war deities doing their own things. How did you all like it?

This Omake is, by the way, based on suggestions by **Mechamorph**, though I decided to have her talk to a bunch of different deities with different opinions on her.


	6. Efforts of the Orcs

Tanya tried not to get angry at the cheering crowds that welcomed them into the capital. She wouldn't get angry at them, since it wasn't their fault.

She wouldn't give the same consideration to Viktoriya, Claire, and Rain, though…

Happy laughter distracted her, and she turned to find that Iris was smiling widely and waving. Tanya, who was very well acquainted with her own face, could tell that she was genuinely happy and not just faking it for the crowds.

She shook her head as they neared the castle. Well, as long as Iris was fine with it, she would just have to make the meaning of her words more clear next time.

Just as they came to the gate, Tanya's eyebrows creased. It looked like an unusual number of beastmen were gathered around the front gates.

She blinked, and wondered why they all looked so… green. Were they sick? Had something…

_BANG!_

In a flash of movement, the front gate was slammed shut by some of the tallest people she'd ever seen.

Well, not people. They were, judging by the way that the ones barring the gate were nearly neon green and she could see some patches of fur covering their skin, Orcs.

She turned her head to see that they had surrounded the carriage. Some guards seemed to be trying to get closer, but they were barring them. Tanya reached for her rifle, and Iris reached for her sword.

"Wait! Please, I beseech thee to hear what we have to say!"

Two Orcs – looking about as human as Lorelei did besides a very slight green tinge – had jumped in front of the carriage, blocking the way of the Lizard Runners, while two more were at the side of the carriage with Tanya on it. They were looking at her more than they were Iris.

Tanya didn't really like her odds. She didn't have a lot of bullets, and that contract was pushing her to take the Princess in her arms and fly to the safety of the castle.

She began to argue with the impulse. If she talked, they might stop fighting, decreasing the possible harm Iris might fall under. The contract seemed to accept that, and she held a hand out as Iris began to draw her sword.

"Wait."

Iris almost ignored her, but her memories of Tanya's deeds caught up with her. The two Orcs saw their chance and began to speak quickly.

"When we encountered you, those weeks ago, we wondered why you denied being male. While you might look like a female, our instincts told us that you were a male."

Tanya grabbed onto Iris and began to power up the Type 97. She wasn't-

A painful twinge in her chest reminded her of her rationale for staying. She knew it was possible this would be safer in the long run, but-

They continued on, ignoring the pained look on her face. "However, our instincts also told us that, despite being male, you wouldn't be a particularly good mate. That, however, contradicted the power you displayed. We wondered how this conundrum could happen, and we believed, initially, that it was because you were insane."

Tanya tried to tell them to shut up, or to wait until Iris couldn't hear, but the Princess just nodded, completely involved with their story.

"However, that hasn't stopped the instincts of another village of Orcs we know of from trying to mate with the Crimson Demons. We thought, for a while, and then we realized what the answer was."

The second one, which hadn't been speaking for a long while, withdrew an… oddly shaped object from within a bag and held it out on the flat of her palms.. It didn't resemble a potion, or a glass or crystal sphere.

Instead, it looked like a simple wooden stick.

Not like a tree branch, either. The stick was a perfect wooden cylinder, besides the writing around one end of it. The second one began to explain.

The first one continued to talk. "You are a man that is trapped in the body of a woman! Your disdain for feminine things is well known among the beastmen of both Axel and this city, who trade with us occasionally. Additionally, it might explain why you keep your hair short, wear men's clothing, and have not once, in the months that you were in Belzerg, sought out the companionship of another, despite your marriageable age."

Tanya was gawking at the Orc, silently trying to understand what the fuck was happening.

She didn't know how Iris had reacted, because she really, _really _didn't want to turn to her side and find out.

She tried to respond. "Bu- But… what if you were wrong? What if I just didn't like those things, or if I had another reason?"

The first Orc shrugged. "The Succubi, who may not like us because we deprive them of customers and who seek us out anyway for advice on persuading men to do as they wish, have asked around a lot about rare magical artifacts. They didn't realize it, but the array they tried to find for you, from powerful weapons to interesting potions to rare armor, narrowed down your desire to something either legendary or deviant."

Tanya was still trying to come up with a response. The second Orc began to explain what the odd looking piece of wood was for.

"Behold, the Stick of Shifting! With this, you'll be able to switch your gender without any ill side effects! It came from the Orcs near the Crimson Demon Village, who were promised the next three men we catch, besides you."

Tanya blinked again, and she recalled the whole purpose for this production. They wanted to take her back to their village and rape her.

Tanya swiped the stick from them, tossed it into the carriage through the small window that allowed those inside to communicate with the driver, and smiled at them.

"Thank you! Now fuck off!"

With a jolt, she urged the Lizard Runners forward. They ran past the Orcs in front of them, who were hit by the carriage. Tanya then used the Flight Spell she had wanted to use to get away after that first sentence to send the entire carriage up and over the iron gates.

The Orcs all cried out in dismay, but if they thought Tanya would let them rape her just because she would be a male, they were clinically insane.

They landed with a crash. Tanya and Iris both jumped off and managed to avoid any damage. Tanya looked around, saw the very confused, conflicted expression on Iris's face, and made a snap decision.

"Sleep."

She collapsed immediately, and Tanya hefted her over her back in a fireman's carry. She'd get that stick, and, hopefully, Iris would think that the conversation was a bad dream.

Tanya went to the broken carriage – one side was dragging across the ground, though the Lizard Runners seemed mostly fine – and opened the door. She grinned.

The stick was there. Hopefully it would work as advertised…

-OxOxO-

It did not.

In fact, it wasn't magic at all. Once she got a closer look at the writing, she found out it just said 'skidaddle, skidoodle, use this stick as your noodle.'

Tanya was not amused and wondered how much the Orcs had been ripped off. Maybe they had the real deal in their village, and had only brought this fake?

She didn't know, and she didn't care. She wasn't walking into a trap, especially if the Succubi were still looking for the item. And if the Orcs had gotten this one from that 'Crimson Demon Village,' then maybe she could try and get it herself?

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1: **Not Canon, but do remember that the Orcs are still around. They might have seemed like a chance encounter, but they're still lurking…

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this small bit of humor at the idea of the Orcs, of all things, figuring out her secret.

**A/N 2: **Responses to Reviews:

**DNWorks: **Not all of them. A fair few of Aqua's followers probably praise her because they rely on water more than the average person – people like farmers or seafarers or hot spring managers – instead of because they want unrestricted love. Besides, Kazuma's Reincarnation made it clear that there's some underlying karma system that makes it so deities can't send people they dislike to hell based on personal opinions.

Which has made me realize that the largest plot hole isn't Tanya getting killed at the beginning, but that she has enough karma to have a choice in where she ends up…

Thankfully, I've got a way to fix both of those, eventually.

**nofirekiller122: **Yes, but it's _Dust_. No song fits him better, and I dare you to object to _that_.

**simple405: **…yes. Very Probably.

**L4 of the West: **I hadn't thought of it from that perspective, which is weird considering my own family, but whatever…

_And _I've had the pure crack idea of making every single Reincarnate come from this single Japanese Family. Great.

**Sprengkamp: **Pro- actually, yes. I was going to throw one in, but I liked how things were going and I didn't want to try and… muddle the water. Expect to see one mentioned during The Anniversary.

**Acerman: **Thank you for the praise! Swamp hag is Macha, an Irish goddess associated with war, sovereignty, horses, land, and fertility, according to Wikipedia. She isn't from some other work of fiction, but she explains that an Isekai took place in her world, but the black plague wipes out most everyone except for the people in Ireland.

I'll probably end up giving some backstory and writer's commentary in future Omakes.


	7. Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes

"Alright, I think that's everything then."

Tanya stood straight from where she had been bowing. Neither Claire nor Rain were taking any kind of argument from either of them, and Tanya wasn't even going to try.

With the redistribution of Alderp's lands, she'd just been given a rather large assignment and tied quite directly to the government of the Kingdom of Belzerg. She would be able to work within that to accomplish her personal goals and evaluate if she wanted to defect to the Demon King, but it was all a bit… restrictive.

Iris brought out a medallion and pressed it into a lump of hot wax that had been dripped onto a letter or proclamation of some kind. Tanya supposed that she used that to ensure that people understood it was her.

She cast another glance at it as Iris's head rose from her work of pressing the medallion into the wax. She got another look at the odd… _odd… _and familiar shape of it.

Was it…

Wait… no…

"May I see that, Princess? I've seen Darkness's, and I admit I'm somewhat curious about the nobility's obsession with those medallions as a whole."

Thankfully, she didn't stutter once, despite her fears that her medallion was emblazoned with _that_ symbol.

The Princess blinked, but she nodded and placed it down on the too-big desk she was using. Rain was talking in the background.

"The usage of medallions to identify a noble is a long tradition since the original King Belzerg. When he battled the original Demon King, he handed out medals of honor and bravery to the adventurers, merchants, and other helpers that sought to bring down the Demon King. This was one that he never gave away, no matter what, and it became the symbol of the royal family for that reason."

Tanya nodded slowly, her thoughts spinning. No matter how she looked at it or tried to rationalize the symbol in front of her, she couldn't deny it.

It was a swastika.

The thing wasn't even made of gold, like Darkness's. It was fashioned from some black metal, reminding her of a promise to herself regarding the most reviled who used said symbol.

No matter how much she suffered, how badly the 203rd was pushed around or wounded, or how much Being X pushed her, she promised herself that she would _never_, under _any circumstances_, become Hitler.

It was just a horrible, no good, very bad idea. Killing your own people was, frankly, _stupid_, and she had no desire to find a husband, marry, and then kill herself in a hole in the ground as Berun was destroyed by communists.

She tried to keep a neutral expression. "Ah… well, I think we're going to head to Axel, now. I imagine that there is a lot of work that needs to be done."

All three of them must have sensed her nervousness, but none of them questioned her. Iris took back her medallion, and Tanya was only just able to walk calmly out of the room.

They wound through the castle, and Tanya began to analyze what she had seen so far. Maybe-

Then she blinked in realization.

They were totally Nazis.

Obviously, the impact of the Japanese Reincarnates had stymied the most wasteful, disgusting protocols, but the evidence was there. Everyone had blond hair and blue eyes, which was supposed to be something of a hallmark of their racist ideology.

They must have used magic to make that happen. They married Reincarnates often, and that none of the people in the few paintings in this castle had a mix of blond hair and dark eyes or dark hair and blue eyes told her enough.

She blinked as she thought of those paintings. Most of the ones she had seen were of people battling giant monsters, but she recalled seeing an odd one with people doing the salute typical of Nazis. She'd written it off, but…

They were out of the castle, and Viktoriya was likely getting concerned. Tanya muttered a few words about talking later as she continued to think.

The Reincarnates must have stopped the initial racism, but beastmen seemed almost universally despised.

They must have shifted their hatred to a minority that was directly opposed to the teachings of the major religion, without any people of the Jewish faith to kill.

Tanya managed to get to Alderp's in-city mansion before she turned to Viktoriya. "We're joining the Demon King."

"Huh?"

Tanya was almost running, and she was certainly babbling at this point. "Remember the Nazi people I mentioned that took over the not-Empire after they lost the first World War? Well, that was their main symbol. The whole of Belzerg is run by Nazis!"

Viktoriya raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Maybe they-"

A knock on the door behind them stopped Viktoriya's sentence, and they both went towards it to open it. Tanya was further proven correct.

A police officer wearing yellow and black instead of yellow and blue was standing there with two of the tallest soldiers she had ever heard of behind him. Both were wearing armor, and the man leading them had the taboo 'SS' on an armband.

Tanya tried to look like she hadn't just sucked on a shit-covered lemon.

He smiled. "Hello! I am here to make sure you know your duties as a noble. We haven't gotten new nobles in a while, but I am a member of the King's entourage suited to the task."

They invited themselves in, and Tanya was proven even more correct in the next hour.

Beastmen were not legally allowed to stand next to a member of the nobility, or they would be tortured. Peasants were the playthings of their nobles. If you had ways of quickening the pace of the extermination of the enemy, a handsome reward would be authorized by the King.

The King's first name was _Fuhrer_, and his middle name was _Infidel-purger_. At that pronouncement, a "_Seig Heil,"_ and a closed front door, Tanya gave Viktoriya a quick, quite pointed look that asked if she needed to say more.

She opened her mouth, and then an expression of great unhappiness crossed her face. "What if the Demon King is a communist?"

That brought Tanya up short, and then she shrugged. "Then we'll flee to… Elroad? No, they'd be Italy or Sweden…"

She was stumped, for a moment, but then she shook her head. "We'll try Elroad, or maybe we'll just find a map and fly away. We can both agree we're not staying here though, right?"

She nodded emphatically, and both packed their belongings. They had a rough couple of weeks ahead of them.

-OxOxO-

**A/N 1:** Well, if you're reading this, you're probably wondering where Chapter 37 is…

Yeah, I think it still needs a bit of work. Expect it in the next two days.

As compensation, you get two Omakes! I hope that'll tide you over until it's ready.

**A/N 2: **Oh, and I think it goes without saying that this one isn't canon, right?

Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this stupid explanation as to why the nobles all have blond hair and blue eyes.

**A/N 3:** Responses to Reviews:

**MarkoncioX**: Thank you, and anticipate more soon!

**Tuisto**: Would even Being X be that cruel?

The answer to that question is yes, and my response to this is…

Even I have limits (for now).

**Tylermech66: **NEVER.

**Pyromania101:** I know, and I'm shooting myself in the foot by leaving it.


	8. What's in the Book?

**A/N 1: **Written before I changed things around a few chapters ago. Here, Tanya didn't get the diary earlier and it isn't in Russy.

-OxOxO-

Tanya rose from her position, focusing on Lorelei's snickering. She was going to-

Then, Viktoriya tossed in her sleep, and Tanya's focus was dragged back to her. Her gaze lingered on her, until…

Tanya grinned. Right, she was supposed to be attempting to prank Viktoriya for various tricks and pranks they'd done to each other.

It wasn't like Tanya was especially fond of pranking people, but she didn't exactly have an easy way of gaining retribution, now that she wasn't her superior. Besides, this would act as a nice bit of stress relief for Tanya.

She heard the camera take another picture, but Tanya didn't mind. Lorelei could try and run and hide the pictures, but Tanya would find and burn them all.

Tanya moved her fingers towards Viktoriya's jacket, and, as fast as they could, she quickly removed the small red diary from her left breast pocket.

Tanya smirked. Finally! She'd open it and read some while she waited for her to wake up, and then hold whatever embarrassing secrets she'd written down inside it over her head.

Tanya smirked as she imagined what she could make Viktoriya do. Maybe she'd make her wear a maid's dress and force her to do what she wanted?

Tanya shook her head as she opened the diary. No, that strayed too far into foreplay for either of them to be comfortable with it. What if…

Tanya's eyebrows came together as she stared at the first page. It seemed to be a table of contents, but instead of important dates, like one might expect in a diary, this table of contents was filled with what looked like… chapter titles?

She tilted her head. Was she actually keeping a diary, or was she writing a book?

Tanya began to peruse the chapter titles, and her confusion didn't abate. Under a section marked 'AU,' various seemingly unconnected words like 'Highschool,' 'College,' and 'Coffeeshop,' were written.

She ignored them, for the moment, and turned to the next page.

On it, a section titled 'Poetry' had more words, although these mostly seemed to deal with sentences and snippets about love, wishes, and allowing emotions to overcome rationality.

She shook her head and again turned to the next page, smiling as she finally found the section with the pages for her diary. She was about to turn the pages, when a loose piece of paper sticking out of the book caught her eye.

Curious, she turned to the page. It was simply titled 'Late Night High jinks.' Tanya raised an eyebrow as she turned to the page.

"Honestly, if I had known you were such a prolific writer, I would have bought you some stationery supplies for one of your birthdays," she said to the sleeping Viktoriya. She shifted slightly in her sleep, but didn't make any other sound.

She got to a page that seemed somewhat recent and began to read. Tanya doubted that Viktoriya was a bad writer, if her after-action reports were anything to go by, and there was supposed to be a whole genre of books written by writers who had experienced the First World War.

Tanya began to read out loud. "As I continued to fill out the paperwork, Major came up behind me. Her deft hands snaked around my back and came to rest… on… my… breasts…"

…Huh?

As her indulgent smile faded in slack-jawed horror, Tanya felt rising incredulity blooming on her face, along with embarrassment, shock, and half a dozen other emotions she didn't want to admit she could feel.

She glanced towards Viktoriya, who was still asleep, though she now looked troubled.

Confused as to whether she should shove her nose into the book to hide her blush or throw the thing across the room, Tanya continued to read.

She _had_ to.

"'Oh, Major! We could be seen!' I cried out. She ignored me, instead taking a moment to _savor _the feeling of my breasts in her hands. 'Oh, _my _Visha, there is no one that could stop me from doing this.' She stepped closer to me and embraced me tightly from behind."

Tanya could hear Lorelei coughing violently – undoubtedly horrified by what she was hearing – in the hallway, but… she couldn't focus on that.

It took everything she had to continue to read the book instead of blacking out.

"I felt something press into my lower back. I sent a _knowing_ gaze back at my commander. 'Why, Major, I didn't know that scepters could be that compact.' The Major's grin promised me _so _much, but for now, she just said. 'I assure you, _Visha_, that there is nothing 'compact' about _this_ scepter-'"

"NOOOOOOO!" Viktoriya yelled and jumped up from her seat, taking only a moment to check her pocket for her diary before leaping towards Tanya. Tanya sank to her knees, letting her hard won prize fall from her hands.

What?

WHAT?

_What?_

what

She… she was writing… _erotica… _about the two of them. This… she…

She looked towards Viktoriya's half-sobbing, half-enraged face. At least… Tanya knew about her feelings now?

Tanya then remembered that there was another page, and, ignoring Visha's pleas, she picked up the diary and turned the page.

She blinked at the picture and felt all of the blood in her body not currently in her face rushing to join the rest of it in making her face as red as Revi's hair.

Well… Visha was a… _talented _artist, at least, but nothing could ever scrub the image of 'Major' and Visha, naked as the day they were born and passionately _fuc-_

Then Tanya knew no more, because man, she was _not_ used to these kinds of situations.

-OxOxO-

**A/N 2: **Not Canon, unfortunately. We've still got a little while until they admit that they love each other.

Hehehe… I must apologize to you all. I've had this thing for _months, _and I didn't share it with you. I'm sorry it took so long to get here, but I didn't want to spoil things by releasing it later.

Anyway, did you all like this one? Personally, I always look at it whenever I need a good, hearty, rolling-on-the-floor-and-dying-from-oxygen-deprivation laugh. Just _thinking _about Viktoriya writing crappy erotica about and drawing porn of her and 'The Major' gives me laughing fits. Hehehehe…


	9. A Modern Major – General!

**A/N 1:** Not Canon – the presence of different characters and them not being angry or hateful towards each other makes that obvious. I wish it were, though.

Listen to 'A Modern Major-General' while reading for the best experience possible.

-OxOxO-OxOxO-

Tanya was lounging around in Wiz's shop. There hadn't been very much going on since she'd had to fight Evan, and Aqua was, as usual, attempting to harass Wiz. Whenever she threatened to break some merchandise, Tanya intervened, but she let things play out otherwise. It wasn't like Kazuma couldn't reign her in if she took things too far.

For now, the 'goddess' was sulking after Kazuma had whacked her over the head again. Tanya kept an eye on Aqua, but she wasn't all that interested in doing Kazuma's job for him.

In another corner of the room, Megumin, Yunyun, and Wiz were all looking at various magical artifacts.

Tanya put down the watch she'd been messing with and looked to them, vaguely interested in what they were doing. The watches were really hard to make cheap at this point, though she was getting closer.

"What's this item, Wiz?" asked Megumin, who was pointing to an oddly shaped potion bottle.

Aqua spotted it and immediately moved to purify it. Tanya jumped up and pushed the annoying woman away from it while listening to Wiz's explanation.

"Ah, it's a potion that increases the effective radius of any spells that affect the mind. There aren't many spells like that, and since only powerful Archmages, Adventurers, and very specific advanced jobs can learn any, it has been here forever. It doesn't even need to be ingested."

The Crimson Demon nodded thoughtfully. Megumin wondered if her father had made this. It certainly seemed like something he would produce.

Yunyun tapped Wiz on the shoulder. "What's this spell scroll? Even I haven't ever heard of this one…"

Tanya blinked, and then turned away from Aqua, who Kazuma was berating for touching anything. Yunyun was holding up a scroll that she couldn't see the writing on. She walked closer as Wiz took it up.

She blew on it, and a smokescreen of dust flew from it. The three of them began to cough.

_CRASH!_

Tanya winced as Yunyun cried out. Megumin had probably broken that potion, then, and either Tanya or Kazuma would be forced to pay for it.

She sighed. Well, at least she didn't have any spells that worked with the potion. Wiz had just said something to that effect.

As they continued to recover and the cloud of dust receded from the air, Tanya snatched the piece of paper out of Yunyun's hands. She squinted and tried to read the top of it, but…

"Hey, what language is this in?" The other three, who had recovered, were glancing at her curiously. Yunyun took it back from her, muttering under her breath.

She again turned to Tanya, looking confused. "I don't know. I certainly can't read it. Still, I should be able to activate it, if I put a bit of mana in it…"

Wiz, who had stopped coughing – and why was she coughing if Liches couldn't be affected by physical attacks? Was there another category besides magical and physical? – was trying to shake her head, and Tanya realized that ignoring the way her Luck had been dropping even farther recently was not a good thing.

The piece of paper lit up, as did Yunyun's chest and arms, where the potion had seeped into her skin. With a great flash of light, Tanya threw up an Active Barrier around herself in the hopes that she wouldn't be killed by whatever this was.

Then, the light around her bubble disappeared. Tanya dropped it and looked towards the epicenter of the blast. Megumin, Yunyun, and Wiz all seemed to be staring at her oddly.

She turned around to see that Kazuma and Aqua had also stopped their bickering to stare at her creepily, and Tanya moved a hand to the rifle hanging off of her body. She really hoped she wouldn't have to kill them.

Wiz began to shake violently. She grabbed onto a nearby table with Tanya's merchandise on it, trying to speak. "T- Tanya… that spell was the Conductor's Command. We'll be forced to sing and dance for hours on end…"

Tanya, after digesting the words, peered at Wiz in confusion. "What's the use of such a spell?"

She was still shaking, but she managed to speak. "It… it was used to make the enemies of the caster tire themselves out. We'll continue to dance and sing for several hours, even if our feet are bleeding or if we need to use the bathroom. It doesn't usually affect the caster, though, so I wonder…"

Megumin was able to speak now. "My father's potion…"

Tanya glanced towards her curiously, but Yunyun's dejected sigh meant that Megumin's father must have been known for these kinds of potions.

Tanya cast one last glance around the room, and then shrugged. "Well, I'll just leave and lock the door and-"

Wiz shook her head unhappily. "With that potion… the whole town has likely been affected."

"Oh," was all that Tanya could say before the door was opened with a crash.

She spun around to see that Lorelei and Darkness were hand in hand – something that was very odd, considering their animosity – and grinning widely. Both had the look they got when they were really enjoying themselves – dressing people and getting hurt badly, respectively – and Tanya tried to back away.

Wiz, apparently unable to resist the spell any longer, spun towards a small record player in the corner of the room – one of Tanya's newer inventions that needed much less magic than the equivalents the reincarnates here had been able to come up with – and spun a disk over. A jaunty tune began to exit from the large horn-thing Tanya didn't know the proper name of.

It continued for a bit, before they stepped forward and began to sing.

"She is the very image of an irate individual, she's got tactics, power, and prowess, both mental and magical," they began, and Tanya groaned as she left the shop, pushing past Darkness and Lorelei, who were too busy focusing on singing to stop her. She didn't have to put up with this.

She was proven wrong, and her escape didn't avail her. Dust and his team, looking more coherent and friendly with each other than Tanya had _ever _seen them, appeared and joined in. "She knows the Empire's king, and she quotes her fights historical, From Dacia to Tiegenhoff, in order chronological."

Before Tanya could choke on the air she was breathing – how did they _know _that? Who had told them, and who _could _have? – the others from inside the shop began to trail her, phonograph in hand.

They continued, and Viktoriya was in the lead. "She's very well acquainted too, with matters homosexual, She denies all emotions, both the foreign and those personal."

Tanya felt her jaw nearly fall out of her head at that declaration, and she turned and ran down the road. She could hear Aqua casting her own brand of Tanya's Reinforcement spells to ensure they could keep up.

She continued to run, but everywhere she went, the townspeople were beginning to sing the song. Darkness was leading now. "About monetary theories she's teeming with a lot o' news, with many dismal facts about our Belzerg's human rights abuse."

Everyone began to chant the last line, while Tanya was just confused. She hadn't found all that much, right? They… mistreated the beastmen because of the Eris Cult's Luck fetish, but…

It wasn't _that _bad, right?

Her confusion cost her, and she was soon surrounded. Aqua was leading now. "She's very good at integral and differential calculus."

Then it was Viktoriya again, who was now staring at her… oddly. She even batted her eyelashes at her. "She knows not the actual name of Being X, how scandalous."

Tanya was stunned by Viktoriya's… forwardness, with how she drew out scandalous, but she regained her senses and surveyed her surroundings as Wiz took the lead. "In short, in matters of her power, both mental and magical, she is the very model of a modern Major-"

"General!" she shouted. Everyone paused to look at her, and she shrugged uncomfortably. "I was technically promoted to Major-General. Either use the full name, or call me a General. Just don't call me Major! I haven't been a Major in ages, and-"

Everyone grinned at her, and Tanya realized that her finger was burning. She gulped.

This spell must have caught her a bit, then. She was fighting it, subconsciously and consciously, but it had pushed her to interrupt them.

She shook her head and took off into the sky. She needed to get to a defensible position so she could figure out how to cure the town, or how to get them to lose their memories. She was _not_ letting anyone in or out that had been given knowledge of her by the spell.

The music didn't stop, and she turned around to see that Viktoriya was carrying both Megumin and Wiz. She glared at her, and they continued.

Megumin was leading, screaming over the sound of the howling wind. "She doesn't know our history, King Belzerg or us Demons red; No one knows her full spotty past, the hearsay of her crimes has spread."

As usual, Tanya tuned out the insults Megumin threw at her. It was an easily achievable thing, these days.

Viktoriya began to talk again. "She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of not-God Being X, In love she will not recognize she wants to screw her adjutant."

Tanya choked on the air again and began to descend. Wiz began to sing. "She can tell undoubted Visha from the undead and X, that beast, she hears the thundering theme from the Empire's frontline in the east!"

Tanya reached the ground, just outside of her mansion, but the others were already there, waiting. Chris – wait, she was still here? Tanya needed to kill her – stepped forward and began to sing as well.

"Then she can run foes through with a weapon we've never seen before, and plan and organize her newfound troops into a brand new corps!"

Again, everyone around her began to chant the last line, while Tanya was confused. Newfound troops? She hadn't met anyone that met that description.

Her head was beginning to hurt. How could a single potion or spell grant this much power?!

From behind her, the gates of her mansion burst open, and Alderp stepped forward, arms held in place by his side by two guards. "Then she can write a revolutionary bill in Belzerg's tongue and tell you every detail of Kaiser William's uniform."

She began to pour magic into a spell, but Yunyun held out a piece of paper Tanya didn't recognize. Her spells failed her, and she realized it must have been that Magic Canceler she'd used on Hoost.

The Crimson Demon spoke. "In short, in matters of her power, both mental and magical, she is the very model of a modern Major-"

"General!"

She clapped her hands over her face, and everyone was grinning evilly at her again. She broke through the lines around her and activated a Reinforcement spell before Yunyun could do anything.

She sped through Axel, soon arriving at the Adventurers Guild. If she could get behind the receptionists desks and activate whatever defenses they had, she could wait it out.

But it was too late. Everyone was already there, and she recognized the fading light of Wiz's Teleport spell. Lorelei wasn't there – it seemed that even in this state, they wouldn't do some things.

Kazuma stepped forward, clearing his throat. "In fact, when she knows what is meant by 'loliNEET' and 'shamefulness…'"

Tanya was sent into the guild, and she spun around to see that Lorelei had pushed her in. The beastman sang. "When she can tell at sight a nice suit from a cute hated dress,"

Aqua stepped forward, casting an alarming amount of buffs on everyone there – including the adventurers and receptionists – and began to sing. "When such affairs as sorties and surprises she's not wary at, And when she knows precisely what is meant by 'commissariat…'"

Viktoriya. "When she soon learns of what progress has been made in metallurgy…"

Chris. "When she knows more magic that the Priests in Eris's nunnery-"

Darkness. "In short, when she has a smattering of Medieval strategy-"

Kazuma began to speak. "You'll say a better Major-"

Tanya interrupted him. "General!" she shouted, and Aqua finished the line.

"... has never sat a gee!"

Tanya briefly wondered what the fuck that was supposed to mean, and she realized it didn't matter.

She just had to sing now.

She smiled happily. "For my military knowledge, though I'm not fervent or plucky, Has been expanded beyond the beginning of the century; And still, in matters of my power, both mental and magical…"

Everyone was staring at her, giving her wonderful, happy smiles of encouragement. Viktoriya's face made it very apparent that she wanted to use their bodies to make the sweet song of love up in the rooms the guild had.

She shook her head angrily, glancing down at the ring on her finger.

She exploded.

"I am the very image of an irate individual!"

-OxOxO-

Tanya spent the next hour singing songs with everyone – from the Empire, from here, and from any anime that Kazuma could name – before she regained her mind.

She sighed as everyone continued to sing and dance. She'd only barely escaped behind the bar, and Viktoriya looked very much like she wanted to do nothing but fuck for a _nice, long while._

Tanya shivered. She wasn't sure if it was due to fear, arousal, anticipation, dissatisfaction due to the actions she was now performing, or an odd mix of all four.

It pained Tanya to do this. She would probably end up regretting it, but…

She cleared her throat and activated the town's announcement system. "Everyone, drinking is now _mandatory_. Every man, woman, and child capable of walking will report to the nearest place that sells alcohol and drink until they black out. I and the guild will be paying for it."

She was fairly sure that this spell would take away everyone's memories – Wiz had lamented the fact in a wonderful solo set to some rock song – but she wasn't taking any chances.

She sighed tiredly. It was time for her to burn through the town's cash, hope that no one remembered today, and agree to enforce the community service for Luna to pay back all the money she would be using to pay for so much alcohol.

She wasn't even writing anything down. It just… wasn't worth it, and she'd think anything she wrote without corroboration from Visha, who would hopefully not remember _anything_, was the work of Being X.

Tanya looked into the section of the receptionist area marked 'Luna's special stash,' and she grinned to herself. Luna was constantly overworked, which meant this stuff would be _good_, even if she didn't remember it.

-OxOxO-

**A/N 2:** This Omake is, of course, at least a third of the reasons I decided to have Tanya be promoted to Major-General. I hope you all enjoyed it just as much as I did.

-OxOxO-

**The Song:**

She is the very image of an irate individual,

She's got tactics, power, and prowess, both mental and magical,

She knows the Empire's king, and she quotes her fights historical

From Dacia to Tiegenhoff, in order chronological.

She's very well acquainted, too, with matters homosexual,

She deny all emotions, both the foreign and those personal,

About monetary theories she's teeming with a lot o' news,

With many dismal facts about our Belzerg's human rights abuse.

She's very good at integral and differential calculus;

She knows not the actual name of Being X, how scandalous:

In short, in matters of her power, both mental and magical,

She is the very model of a modern Major - General!

She doesn't know our history, King Belzerg or us Demons red;

No one knows her full spotty past, the hearsay of her crimes has spread,

She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of not-god Being X,

In love she will not recognize she wants to screw her adjutant.

She can tell undoubted Visha from the undead and X, that beast,

She hears the thundering theme from the Empire's frontline in the east!

Then she can run foes through with a weapon we've never seen before,

And plan and organize her newfound troops into a brand new corps.

Then she can write a revolutionary bill in Belzerg's tongue

And tell you every detail of Kaiser William's uniform:

In short, in matters of her power, both mental and magical,

She is the very model of a modern Major – General!

In fact, when she knows what is meant by 'loliNEET' and 'shamefulness',

When she can tell at sight a nice suit from a cute hated dress,

When such affairs as sorties and surprises she's not wary at,

And when she knows precisely what is meant by "commissariat",

When she soon learns of what progress has been made in metallurgy,

When she knows more magic than the Priests in Eris's nunnery –

In short, when she has a smattering of Medieval strategy –

You'll say a better Major – General! – has never sat a gee.

For my military knowledge, though I'm not fervent or plucky,

Has been expanded beyond the beginning of the century;

And still, in matters of my power, both mental and magical,

I am the very image of an irate individual!


End file.
